Posts Tagged ‘waiting for test results’

When I postponed my checkup appointments due to the snowstorm in Denver, I wasn’t able to get all three of them rescheduled for the same day. So I see the surgeon for a 6-month checkup and the oncologist for a 3-month checkup on Wednesday morning.  I have the third appointment for ultrasound and mammogram and see my doctor at that center on Friday afternoon.  I was probably lucky to get them rescheduled that soon at all.

The wind has been blowing ferociously this week. So I’m looking forward to getting out of the wide open spaces and into the relative shelter of the city where I don’t have to listen to the wind day after day or watch the dirt blow, or huddle in the kitchen because it’s too cold in the front room and my office upstairs. 

My friend has a chemo infusion appointment on Thursday morning and he said he would like me to go with him. So I decided to make one trip and stay over until I’m done, and be able to go with him between appointment days. I got  a reservation at Staybridge Suites for a studio for Wednesday and Thursday nights. I will take my laptop and will have high speed internet access, so I can also get some work done. 

I’m looking forward to the change in scenery. And I am really looking forward to the quiet in my room. That’s a switch! Usually I look forward to getting back to the country because the city is too noisy!

I  have been feeling good, so I’m not worrying about the results.  I will have my ultrasound and mammogram results immediately when I see the doctor at the imaging center, and should get a call on my blood test results by the middle of next week.

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candle-lightA common theme last year at the Life Beyond Cancer Retreat at Miraval was how to be vigilant but not anxious.

That was a year ago. I have been very slow to learn how to do this gracefully. I thought it was a balancing act, but I think I was mistaken.

As Sarah Weddington says, cancer cells are like Osama bin Laden.  “I don’t know if the cancer is dead or alive and hiding in body caves and waiting to jump out and shout ‘boo!’ I’m grateful to be NED (no evidence of disease) but I’d like to have a more permanent diagnosis.”

So we have schedules for checkups and tests and in between try to be vigilant and do our self-exams and our massage to prevent lymphedema and eat our broccoli and get our exercise but not worry too much about someone shouting “boo!”

I have been waking up at 3:00 a.m. so I began a vigil of sitting in silence in the deepest part of the night

Open in this moment. I trust in the darkness.

Waiting in trust. Growing in trust.

. . . drawn into the night’s silence

I keep vigil with eternal questions.

And only through this practice have I begun to experience that there is a difference between waiting (for test results, for the other shoe to drop, for a diagnosis, for the next checkup, for decisions to solidify) and keeping vigil.

“Anxious, fearful impatient waiting is nothing more than waiting. Waiting with purpose, patience, hope and love is vigilant waiting.”  –  from Seven Sacred Pauses by Macrina Wiederkehr)

I don’t want to just be waiting impatiently. I am trying to learn the art of holy waiting.

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